I Can't Go Back
by Lionesscreator
Summary: " I can't go back…I can't go back." Why can't you go back? "…when I was young I killed my father, so now I can't go back…" ONE SHOT,COMPLETED
1. I can’t go back

The bold speaking voice is simba inner head, just an fyi. Okay enjoy also , review, review ,review! This is just a one shot 'DARKNESS' will be the continuation after this.

Simba 

When I first recognized her, I was speechless, numb even. I was happy, the most happy or excited I had been in a long time! Life with Timon and Pumbaa has been great- I couldn't wish for a better life. In fact I don't, because I know there is nothing that can come close to being as prefect as this. But then she showed up, literally out of nowhere and has changed everything…

"Are you okay?" I could already see Nala eyes looking at me curiously, probably forming a situation in her head.

"Huh?...sorry." **_There you go again, getting your head lost in the clouds. Simba get your head together !_** "I'm fine." I answered, shaking away the voice in my head.

"Really?"

"Yup, never been better. " **_Really? Because I don't think so, you've been stressing ever since she got here too. Don't be foolish Simba. You know she's going to ask you, she has to, you can't run from your past for forever_**. Okay, I need to go for a walk. " actually Nala, why don't we go for a walk."

"Sure." Cool, maybe walking will clear my head. We walked deep into the jungle, it was night now. The sun was setting and soon everything would be dark soon. Where we were going- I don't know, maybe a clearing in the forest will be nice. I just know I need to get moving. " you seem alittle… I don't know, spacey?"

"What?"

"See."

"See what?" Am I missing something? **_Yea, you are genius!_**

"How spacey you are?"

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to- were you saying something?"

"No, I just have the feeling you are, that's all."

"Sorry…" **_you know sorry doesn't count for anything, it's just a meaningless word. Will you shut up ! I'm just saying that truth sense you don't want to believe it apparently_**.

"Don't worry it's fine. So, where are we going?"

"Ah, I don't now. We're just walking into a surprise I suppose."

"Well I walk in the face of danger haha" why did I miss this feeling of Nala Toying with me all the time? It was annoyingly cute. I guess I must have really missed her.

"Ha, oh right…how could I forget, geeze." I quickly rolled my eyes to her, I'm pretty sure I heard her still laugh and do the same.

The forest air was getting cooler now. Soon the sun would be setting. Good some darkness. **_Why are you so glad? With her here now you know you won't be sleeping easy anymore._** Kings ! Could my inner self just shut up for one minute?!

"How long will it take us to get there?" Hearing her voice brought me back to reality. " it's almost dark."

"Hmm, shouldn't be too long. What? are you afraid of the dark. I didn't think you were afraid of anything haha." She rolled her eyes at me. A pressed on walking passed me.

"I'm not afraid of the dark, I just don't like it that's all."

" Yea that's what they all say-"

"Whoa…" sudden I was rocks getting kicked up from in front of me as I saw Nalas figure take off . What the heck?!

"Yo wait up!" I ran after her. Until my eyes were temporarily blinded by the suns setting light as it peaked though the tree top. When my vision came to I could finally see and the sight was breathtaking.

"this is beautiful….Simba isn't this beautiful!"

Whoa I guess I had forgotten about this place. The waterfall hillside. I can say it wasn't my attended destination but hey, she seems to really like it. But then something changed. Suddenly I watched as her blue eye who seconds ago were filled with amazement was now clouded with almost painful tears.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked walking close to her. But She avoided eye contact with me. What was bothering her ?

"Nothing…" I don't believe her.

"You can tell me."

"I just…wish everyone back home could see this. It's beautiful…"

"…oh…" that does make sense, I guess I never thought about it like that. **_Of course you have, you think about home all the time, but you know you can't go back there. Not after what you did. Don't be ridiculous. _**

"The pridelands are nothing like this." I watched Nala for a moment, she was starstuck. Is this sight really a big deal?

"I'm sure it can't be that bad." **_Good thinking , you might want to avoid this subject. After all nothing good can come from talking about it. I mean how many nights did you stay up as a cub saying sorry-countless times and it still didn't bring him back_**.

"It's a waste land Simba. Nothing grows there, everything there just…dies."

"I'm sorry." I found myself saying, I didn't know how much seeing her hurt got to me. " I wish I could help." **_Idiot what are you saying?? You don't volunteer to help . You barely have your life together here!_** But I just had to say something, anything to cheer her up.

"Maybe you can?" **_Now you've done it, look she's got that spark in her eye_**!" ...simba if you come back that could fix everything." **_Ugh here we go…._**

I immediately paused hearing this, me going back? No I can't do that-**_of course you can't ! I've been trying to protect you from that genius . But no one ever listens to their inner voice do they._**

"Nala I don't now about that." I voiced backing away from the situation. If she sees how much I don't like this idea I'm sure she'll drop it. **_Listen genius you better stop her now before she gets any ideas and you find yourself being dragged back there! _**Okay okay I get it… I was snapped back from my inner thoughts when Nala stepped towards me.

"No seriously! just think about it…if you come back, everything will be restored to its natural order! Your mother always said-"

"No no , I don't want to hear anything like that. Like I said I don't know about it."

"What, why not? Simba it's the truth. I mean haven't you thought about it?" You need to end this….

"About what?' I voiced slightly aggravated now, more with myself than with her. But did it really make a difference now.

"Coming home?"

"No, actually I haven't."

"You haven't ….simba how could you not think about coming home?" **_Don't you dare fall for that sadness in her voice it's a trap! Remember we have to protect ourselves, don't fall for any tricks. _**

"Because I just haven't okay."_** That's it give it to her cold! I know she's your friend but we gotta look out for ourselves! And do you think she'll still be your friend once she finds out the truth**_.

"Simba everybody thinks you're dead. Don't you get that….Zazu! your mother! the whole pride! Thinks you are dead….do you realize how they will feel knowing you've been alive all this time. You coming back is exactly what the pride needs- what the pridelands needs. It's Hell back there! you have to come home-"

" I –" _**don't go all soft! She's using your mother against you!**_ Right protect myself I have to protect myself. I can't go back "Why would I want to go to a place being described as Hell?"

" I don't know because it your home, your responsibility, your family-" no I won't let her guilt me into this! Before she could finish I got up and started walking away. Did I want to do this no, but I had no choice.

"I get it! You want me to go back, but the final answer is No! I'm not doing back, because I don't want to go back there and that's final. No more talking about it, okay!"

"I'm sorry, did I piss you off?" I could hear the stiff mockery in her tone.

"Yes you did! look I'm trying to have a nice night with you Nala but you're ruining it!" _**That's it make her feel bad! She'll have to stop by then**_.

"Please the feelings the same…"_**stay strong Simba! Remember life was great before she came, right? You lived Hakuna Matata remember, no worries? You've struggled enough in the past, do what you want to make YOU happy! **_

"Ugh! what is with you?! What is the big deal?? Pride rock will be the same whether I'm there or not. Me going back wont change a damn thing don't you get that!"

"Yes it will you idiot!" Ouch ! Really ?! **_Don't fall for it Simba !_**

"Oh so now we're name calling, how old are we?!"

"I'm calling you an idiot because it's how you're acting right now and you KNOW it."

"Whatever" I left I was done. She had no idea what she was talking about. She's just trying to ruin everything I fought for. I didn't need this I didn't need her! Or some stupid kingdom called pride rock " that stuff is dead to me."

"This isn't you… what demons are you running from Simba?" I paused in my tracks when I heard the utter disbelief in her voice. I can't lie and act like disappointment someone doesn't effect me…. " Simba just look at me! Tell me. I can help you. Please. " _**last time I checked she couldn't bring back the dead. She couldn't take away a murder, and the last time I checked she DOESN'T know the HELL you've been though!**_"whatever is it, you HAVE to face it.What is scaring you from facing the truth!"

I saw red in my eyes and then I snapped.

"Listen! I'm not scared of anything! I'm not running from anything! I just don't want to be bothered! You're annoying the hell out of me right now, and I really wish that I didn't find you right now, and hey ! Since you care so much about our home, why don't you just go back? You've been here for three days why don't you just go back!"

"I would but I can't go back…" She retorted loudly as we stood in each others face.

"Oh well why not?! Nothing is physically stopping you from heading back there right now!"

"Because!"

"Because what?! I hope you can think of a good excuse Nala!"

"My issue doesn't matter, I'm not running from an excuse!" Her tail was flicking back and forth and ears pinned back Against her head. She was pissed beyond it probably. She again avoided looking at me. _**That's good ! She needs a taste of her own medicine I mean wasn't she just pissing you off! Two can play that game.**_

"So you're running from something too huh? I thought you said we were suppose to face our demons right? What are you doing? Running from it and being a hypocrite."

" I DID face my demons, I just lost!" If she were a snake, she would have killed me. I didn't just hear the Venom in her words, I could feel it. I didn't know the feeling of being truly hated until I saw the look in her eyes. And it was more than hatred it was disgust, disappointment."…You were better off dead to me!"

"What…wait-" **_let her go! She'll cry herself to sleep somewhere away from you!_** So I did see it right, those were tears…tears I caused " no no…I don't want this, dammit!" _**Wait what are you doing fool?**_! " Nala come back , I'm sorry!" I started in a sprint to go after her, but soon found myself stopping short. She had vanished…and even if I did go and find her, I'm sure as hell sure the last thing she wants to see is me. Dammit! Why can't I do anything right?! **Because you don't listen to me! I told you not to get feelings for her, it would only be trouble! And now look at you, you're a mess. "Stop it!" Stop what? I'm you! Don't you get it?? I'm the one trying to keep our tail protected! I'm the one who's stopping you from making a fool our _of yourself ! And more importantly I'm stopping you from hurting yourself. Huh to you remember that? Do you remember those dark days and nights were you tortured yourself trying to forget the truth?! Do you really want to go back to that place? See his face? Hear his last dying cry?_ " no I don't …I don't, ugh I just want to fix this! I want to all to go away!" _And I was taking it all away, but you had to go and get close to her! I told you she was the enemy! Life before her was fine. You forget the past, and the pain. Why the hell would you let her drag you back?!_ " but my mom and the others….what if what she saying is true, and they need me?" Don't think about them! They don't need you, because once they find out the truth they wont love you! _Don't you get that? Once they learn it was you who was response for your father death, everyone will hate you. You are NOT welcome there, and you know._ " I didn't mean it!" _Murder is murder, there is no changing that…_ "I can't go back…I can't go back." _Good keep saying that. You'll calm down eventually you always do._ " I can't go back…I can't go back." _Why can't you go back?_ "…when I was young I killed my father, and it's because of that I can't go back…"**


	2. Darkness

Fillipinagirl04, thanks for the review, this is a continuation from 'I can't go back' I've decided I'll be doing separate ONE shots.

DARKNESS

Nala

Run! Just run-Get as far away from him as you can. I can't believe him, I don't believe him! That idiot-How could he says those things about us- his family- me?! Does he really not care about us, anymore. I came all this way to escape the pain and torture, but it seems to only be following me, why!

Coming to this stupid jungle, leaving my family behind was al just a big mistake! I should have just stayed there and suffered, at least then I wouldn't have to be alone.

I felt my body come to an uneasy stop, as my feet gave way. I was exhausted from the nonstop running. The ground hit my underbelly hard as I collapsed on the jungle floor. A tight pain in my stomach begged me to stop moving, I knew I wasn't all the way healed.

"Maybe…I'm the idiot…here." Ugh, why couldn't I stop myself from crying. I had been though worse before- much worse. Why was this stupid argument affecting me so much- am I really that desperate now for someone to come save me…. I hate him….i hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

**Snap.**

Huh?

"Who's there?" I turned and look-no one. But why was I getting that uneasy feeling. "It's dark…i…I need to go back." But back where? I had no idea where the hell I was. I slowly got up, my body still ached. "Okay…which way do I go…." The last tear feel from my cheek as my puffy eyes darted in every direction. "…I …I don't know where to go-"

Then I heard another sound, this time coming from behind me.

"Who's there!?" I jumped to face whatever creature it maybe…but again I saw nothing….just darkness. And I hate the dark. "..get it together, I'm just being paranoid. It's nothing."

**_Nalaaa_**

"Huh??" Did i…just hear something?

**_Oh Nalaa_**

No, no there's no way. I'm going crazy it can't be…

**_Nala where are you?_**

"…Sim-simba is that you…" I felt my fur go stiff, and an Intense numbness set over me. This can't be. I know it, I left him back at priderock. There's no way- "…Scar?"

_**Nala I'm sorry will come back to me.**_

"No!" I found myself yelling at nothing. But it can't be, he's here…I know it. I can feel it. He's coming back after me! "Stay away!"

**_Nalaa!_**

"I said stay away!" Panicking I took off. Though the trees, though the brushes, though anything that would get me away from him! Please he can't find me, don't let him find me! I half-hazards in blindness. Too overcome with emotions I couldn't see straight. What happened to the moonlight!?… the stars!?….why is everything so dark and scary…

**_Nala!_**

"No! Go away!" The tears were coming back, making everything worse! I turned a sharp corner hoping to lose him. "Argh!" No, the pain is back…the crippling sensation from my burning flesh made it almost impossible to move. No keep running! Keep running, even if you die and your body falls apart, it will be better than what will happen if he catches you again- keep moving!

So I did, against my aching stomach and burning lungs. I'll collapses of exhaustion soon…my mind instantly trying to think of a better alternative to my looming fate. I'll collapses of exhaustion and won't feel a thing…maybe I'll be lucky this time, and he'll decide to kill me instead!

My escape to freedom came to a sudden halt when I found myself face to face with the side of a massive cliff I could not scale. I was right in it's pitch of darkness, no moonlight…no stars could save me now. Monsters always attack in the dark.

**_Nala_**

"…no…no..no" my chest tighten. It felt like I could only use the top half of my lungs, bottom half didn't seem to be working. Every breath I took in to try to clam myself continued to get shorter and shorter, until it felt like I wasn't breathing at all!

**_Nala!_** I closed my eyes tight. And backed into a ball as I felt the cliff surface behind me. Nala The voice was getting closer. **_Nala_**! And closer…until he'll be here.

"Nala?!" My shaking body felt something strangely warm and familiar. I barely had the courage to open my eyes to see what was facing me.

"…sim…sim..simba?"

"Hey are you alright? You took off on me when I was trying to ta-"

"Stay back…"

"Huh? What are you talking about Nala it's me-"

"I said STAY BACK!" I pushed myself further into the wall, hoping by some miracle we could become one and I could escape from here. Be protected from him.What was going on….I'm so confused….i could have sworn I heard him. I did hear him! He's here! "…w-where is he…"

"Who?"

"He…where is he…"

"There is no one here-"

"Scar where is he?! I know he's here!" Stop shaking, why can't I get my body to stop shaking. I won't be able to protect myself if I can't stand still on my own four paws. I froze as he stepped forward.

"Relax, he's not here…I promise." Why was he looking at me like that?! Stop looking at me! "Whoa!" I lunged at him, I don't know why. I couldn't control my body anymore. My brain wasn't working. It felt out of body for me to watch myself attack Simba. "Hey! I'm not going to fight you Nala! Just…calm down. I just want to make sure everything's okay-"

"It's not!...he's here….he's here…" my watery eyes darted from one area to the other. He was around one of those corners in the darkness, just waiting. I couldn't stop moving…I …I had to stay vigilant. I..i had to run- but my paws couldn't move! They were stuck in the place, stilled by fear. I can't move! He's got me….I'm as good as dead now.

"…Nala…it's okay, you're safe." No I wasn't, I'm vulnerable. Just as I was on that day. And it's happening all over again! "Nala breathe!" It's over…over. I don't remember losing the sensation in my legs, or being over come with exhaustion. I don't remember hearing simba voice screaming to me. I don't remember how I just…stopped breathing. I just remember being in fear.

I didn't regain consciousness until the next morning.


	3. To Set The Truth Free

TO SET THE TRUTH FREE

Nala/Simba

Nala

My body was forced out of the deep sleep it so desperately needed when a ray of sun hit my nose. The feeling burned, so I let it continue to burn me. I only jolted up when I heard something walking towards me. "Who's there!?"

"It's me." He rounded the corner slowly " Simba." Sitting a few feet away he looked at me. I felt the uncomfortable pain in my stomach again as I felt him stare. I needed to move.

"Argh-"

"Don't get up just yet! You had a rough night." His voice held concern for me. I wish it didn't. I don't remember what happened last night. But I know something had to, I feel utterly drained of anything. And I unwillingly let him help me back down.

"What happened last night?" I asked confused.

"I was hoping you would tell me…you don't remember?" I shook my head. " nothing at all, not even from earlier that day?"

"No…it was something bad, wasn't it?" Of course it had to be, why else would I be feeling like this. I didn't need to wait for his response, something within me told me I was right. Something bad did happen last night. I just can't remember. "…I'm going to go get some water." Against my better judgement I got up, and against my body screaming at me I continued to walk. Simba followed slowly behind, keeping his distance.

Down at the river creek we said nothing to each other for a long time. I wasn't even really that thirsty, well okay I was, but I couldn't get myself to drink anything. I had to energy. And I couldn't focus it seemed.

"I thought you wanted water?" Huh? My focus back, I was lost looking at my drained reflection.

"…Guess I'm not that thirsty after all." Again we let minutes go back, without say anything.

"I…uh…I've decided to go back with you."

"..w…what?" Okay, maybe I do need to drink something, I am for sure hearing things. "You want to go back…"

"…after what you said…I did some thinking. And you were right, I need to go back."

"Oh…"

"Oh? Is that all you're going to say?" A shutter ran down my spine. Was he mad at me?

"I just…don't know what to say. That's all…I'm sorry to disappoint you." I sallowed hard at the nervousness building in my stomach.

"Hey, can we talk?" He voiced walking, and then sitting next to me. I automatically shifted uncomfortably. I wasn't like this with him before… " I won't get close."

"Thanks." I looked up from my paws when I heard him clear his throat.

"What happened yesterday, is everything okay with you?"

"Everything is fine." I didn't mean to sound coy or standoffish, but it was the only response I had. With my head somewhat clear now, I know what had happened to me. And I am ashamed of it.

"If you would have told me that easily remedied in the day I would have believe, but after seeing what I saw not so much." I sighed at this. "Whats going on with you Nala? Why were you so scared last night?"

" I …I'd rather not talk about it."

"You know you can tell me anything, right."

"I know. But it's not telling you that's the problem, it's telling myself…."

"I see…" I looked up at I'm when it said this. His face told me he understood…but how, how could he understand? " I think telling yourselves the truth is the hardest thing one can do." That's for sure… "but I also think words from a friend can help with that." Our eyes locked for a single moment, and for that second it felt like he was reading deep into my mind. But I was also able to read into his. I don't remember him being so open, looking so open.. " sometimes they might need tough love, but other times, not so much. Sometimes a gentler approach can be better." Why did he need to know this from me? Why did I feel the need to tell someone…anyone at this point. I had kept it in, and together for what seems like for so long…

"…something happened…back at priderock. But What happened to me yesterday was just a panic attack."

"A panic attack?"

"At least that's what I call them…I just get sacred."

"Scared?"

"Yea…"

"Scared of what?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"It doesn't matter, anything and everything…the darkness really. It gets worse, at night when it hard to see. That's when I can't control it…"

"You said Scar was here." I froze just from hearing his name. " my Uncle, you kept saying he was here, and you were running from him. Why?" I sallowed hard. Why did he need to know? Him knowing once change a thing, it wont make him hurt…or pay. And I so desperately want him to pay for what he did… but I'm not strong enough. "Nala?" I felt water run to my eyes again.

"Remember what I said about the demons?"

"Yes."

" you have to face them…but sometimes when you do it…you lose."a shutter ran down my spine, then another and then another. Soon I couldn't stop the rippling effect from taking hold. Stop it Nala, get a hold of yourself! "…i…I'm sorry…I hate crying i-" I felt this soothing embrace feeling come over me. I desperately needed this feeling….but I fear it too. I can't let him get close to me. Even if that very feeling is coming from his close contact.

"It's fine, you don't have to talk about to me. All I want is for you to be okay. That's all I'm concerned about." And I believe him, I could feel it in his touch and his calmness towards me. But I had to tell him, not for him, but for me. I couldn't live anymore if I kept keeping this to myself. I'd rot inside…

"I'll…tell you."

"No Nala, not if you don't want to."

"I need to! " I pulled away from him, and look him in his red eyes. " I need to tell someone…." My breathing was raggedy, it was always that way now. I was never steady with anything now. Even when telling him what happened. I tried to me calm, and focus…but I felt like I was all over the place. I probably seemed like a fool. "…that's w-why I left. The pride knows that he attacked me, but…they didn't know that he raped me." The word was so foreign to me, it made saying the word uncomfortable. But that's exactly what happened…and I can't keep lying to myself otherwise. It wont protect anyone. " I was too scared and ashamed to tell them…so I left." There was such stillness between us it made me uncomfortable. But I wasn't that afraid anymore where I couldn't keep talking. I needed to keep talking. "…that's why I wanted you to come back…and why I was so angry with you…" again he still said nothing so I continued " Simba you made me so mad…you don't realize how hurt I felt knowing you'd been here all this time!" And I don't know what came over me, as my paw connected with his jaw.

Simba

The harsh hit from the roughness of her paw, still wasn't enough to free me from the numbness I had been engulfed in. My uncle, raped her…. I looked down at her, her eyes still a mixture of disbelief and pain. Tears flowed freely down her face. She gritted her teeth, it felt like to the bone to keep herself from uncontrollable sobbing. She was sharing the exact same reflection of myself when I was a cub. The only difference is mine was alone in the shadows, were her's fall freely in the open. We're everyone cane see. She knew the same pain…

"Nala I…"

"How could you?! How could be here all this time while we suffered! While I suffered! I NEEDED you! ...Simba i needed you so bad-and you weren't there!" The air was forceable removed from my lungs was I stumbled back. She shoved me…again and again. " why…Why?! Why?! Why!!" She eventually stopped when she gave into fatigue.

But I didn't want her to stop, with in me I begged her not to….I deserved this….I deserved every bit of her hatred.

"…i…it's okay if you hate me….i hate myself." She slowly was able to control her shaking frame. She didn't lift her head when she spoke to me.

"I don't hate you…I could never hate you. I…I just don't understand why all this happened to us…"

"It's all my fault."

"No it's not…you couldn't control or predict any of this…"

"I know…but, I am the cause of it." **_Wait, what are you doing?!_** " I'm the reason the why pridelands suffer And why Scar is king." _**Don't! What are you thinking, she can't know the truth! **_" I'm the reason why you suffered…"

"Simba…what do you mean, you did nothing."

"I did everything, I killed him." _**Nooo! **_

"…w…what are you talking about? You killed who." **_Now you did it! Now she knows, you can say goodbye to the rest of your life now!_** …Hmp, what life was I really living if I was constantly running in fear? "…simba…"

I have to face the demons and the set the truth free.

"My father. I killed my father."


End file.
